my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize