So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize