dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
