I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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