I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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