just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
