The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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