Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
