Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We left the knife in your bed.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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