Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have aggressive nipples.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
