no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
