youre lurking in front of me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
