my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
