Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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