I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
