your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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