omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
