in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
