I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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