Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
