I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
