Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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