Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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