worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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