why didn't you poke me back
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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