"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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