He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
