you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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