Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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