I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Holy shit dude........stairs
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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