She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
