I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
