well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
