I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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