Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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