The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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