apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Actions speak louder than pants.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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