dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
