She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
