Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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