Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
