I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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