I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
