new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
