So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
