He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
