She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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