2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
