why im i the only drunk person in the library?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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