Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
