Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
