Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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