I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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