I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
