CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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